We've all heard the stories of the awful American tourist. Hell, network news programs have even produced terrible, cringe inducing "reports" on them. But they don't really exist, do they? I mean, no one could possibly be that obnoxious, right? Well tonight, as I write with the apartment windows open, I am listening to what can only be described as the platonic Awful American Tourist stereotype made flesh as he shouts and cackles on a hotel balcony across the street.
Let me add that I live on a fairly busy street, near a fairly busy intersection. It's 11:45 p.m. right now, and there are still cars regularly driving by, people are in cafés and restaurants chatting, and I can still hear this guy's every word. What's he doing on this warm Paris night in the middle of what must be his summer vacation, you might ask. Based on the amount of time he's spent on the phone, I'd guess that he's calling every single person he has ever known to tell them that he's in "Pair-ee - ha HA!!"
A selection of excerpts from his many, many conversations:
"HEY HOW YA DOIN' KEN! GUESS WHERE I'M CALLIN' FROM?!!! [Yes, capitalization and extra exclamation points are necessary]."
...
"We're staying on the sixth floor of this hotel - I need some fuckin' GARGOYLES up here, ya know? Ha HA!!"
...
"I went up fuckin' Noder-DAHM today, I ate fuckin' mussels, I went to the fuckin' market...I'm lovin' it, I'm LOVIN' it! [Noise that sounds like a cross between a laugh and a lung being hacked up]!!"
...
"Yah, we've done the whole Louvre: I saw the Mona Lisa. ... No, we've BEEN THERE ALREADY!"
...
"I'm looking at that Tower right now!"*
Maybe I'm being too hard on the guy, though. Maybe this is one of those situations when, as an American, I feel more self conscious and am more irritated by the rudeness of a countryman than the French themselves are. I mean, at least the guy seems to be enjoying his visit.
...And just as I finish writing that thought, his wife gets on the phone and shrieks, "Tom, guess what? They got fuckin' Segway scooters out here! Segway scooters!!"
*(editor's note: he wasn't. You can't see the Eiffel Tower from this part of the city)
